师旷临风

I cannot abandon myself like this any longer, corporally or mentally. I kept thinking about him whatever I was doing. The name, the image, those words, the smiles, things about him just flashed into my mind at every contingent moment. I thought there was a possibility that we could be together sooner or later, and that we were meant to be together. All turned out to be wrong, and totally ridiculous. I thought that he liked me. Although up to now I still couldn’t figure out why there would be those scenes if he didn’t. Why would he try to talk to me actively? Why would he look around for me? Why would …Is it really all about friendship? Friendship is really great, huh.   I was in such great mood when I confessed with several friends that I liked him and that I would be with him if there was any chance. It was already unimaginable for an old me to tell anyone things so deep down. I was so defensive that I didn’t know how to keep a normal relationship, friendship mainly. Because I haven’t even experienced a real relationship involving love since I can remember. I don’t know how to handle things like that. There were moments when I imagined about some stuff which was probably dolt. Dissembling is my best work here. How can he know about your love since you never show a tiny little bit of your feelings for him except for those silly things about lessons, which of course can also be done by some friend-only girl. It’s obvious that you don’t share life together, even though you have so much in common. I even thought about staying together forever as we always took the same path in life. We were in the same student society, we were in the same class majoring in the same subject, and we were both preparing for the entire going-abroad thing. But apart from all these, you do not even talk, you seldom communicate. Your lives are simply two divergent lines that only intersect at some minor little point which doesn’t count at all and then never meet again. Total parallel would be more preferable if I could choose. I am in deep blue right now. I just can’t get over it. The only real thing I have felt all these years just died dolefully. I was even thinking about telling him that I liked him when I successfully completed this. Things went unexpectedly. I guess it will take me long to full convalesce. Just let life flow as it wills. I am no longer capable of anything else. Who can give a hand here? Whatsoever, I still care.       

                                            11/ 01/2008